Weekend Predictions: Dogs, Jackets win; Saban schools another assistant

Because it’s football season again, and because it really hasn’t been baseball season for four years, and because it was only basketball season for like, five minutes, once, until everybody good was told, “You’re throwing off the curve, please leave,” and because Bobby Petrino jokes, like watching Curly pivot and accidentally hit the shelf that drops the paint bucket on Moe’s head, never really get old, and because for some strange reason you like this, and I’d worry about that . . .

Hello, I am back.

Your goal is to get rich, so you can buy a team and fire everybody, so we again bring you: “Weekend Predictions: Your Path of Totality To Financial Independence.”

By now, you should know how this works. Every week, I give you the winners. It’s your job to find them.

Enter the “Sack Schultz” contest for a chance to win a $2,500 Apple Vacation or $2,500 cash. Go to http://www.ajc.com/sackschultz2017.

Some of the picks may be “wrong,” but they are intentionally sprinkled in each week, like Trump Twitter bombs, only released Thursday afternoon, not at 1:30 a.m., because I’m tired and old and my wife already complains, “Your phone is lighting up again, I’m leaving you for somebody with no fake friends on Twitter, and who’s ChooChooXXX?” and … where was I? … because the “wrong” picks are simply to throw off competing investment services.

You can differentiate the real picks from the fake ones by researching specific key words in the Weekend Predictions Decoder Book, which you should have received in the mail over the summer. If you didn’t get yours, please send $25 to: $25 From Completely Clueless Guy, AJC, Atlanta, Ga.

You also should immediately enter the “Sack Schultz Contest” — this is real — where you have a chance to win up to $2,500. Go to AJC.com/sackschultz2017 for all of the details.

The contest is easier than the picks I do here because you don’t have to pick against the spread. (P.S. You’re going to lose any way.)

We lead off this week with Georgia-Appalachian State. Why? Because Georgia can lose this game. I’m sure of it because Kirby Smart keeps saying it.

Actual Smart quote: “They’re the fastest defense I’ve seen on tape, and that goes for every position.”

It’s true. App State once outran a pack of cheetahs. In full pads!

Football coaches can be so cute.

Yes. I know. App State upset Michigan in 2007. Not coincidentally, Lloyd Carr retired after that season to the nearest bass boat.

But the Mountaineers lost their next six games to power-conference schools by a combined score of 294-66. They almost beat Tennessee last season, but Volunteers coach Butch Jones also lost to Vanderbilt, so he seems on a mission to lift the spirits of the lessers and downtrodden inside state borders. (App State lost to Miami 45-10 two weeks later.)

You want to see downtrodden? Watch what happens if the Dogs blow this. The team with the fastest defense in the history of the world is getting paid $1.25 million to come to Athens. That’s not because Georgia is expecting to lose. Dogs cover 14½.

*** Thursday Night Special ***

This is a rendering of the stadium the Braves left. It’s a wreck, isn’t it? (Sarcasm font.)

Tennessee State at Georgia State: The Panthers now have their own stadium. So they’ve effectively become the centerpiece of Kasim Reed’s next campaign speech: “I didn’t lose a baseball team. I gained a Sun Belt team! OK, time for lunch. Turn on the blue lights!” Panthers cover 14.

First Course

(Buy three games and win free tuition for the new “Go Gator MBA” program: Make fraudulent purchases in the bookstore, then sell the items for cash. Some felony purchases may be eligible for Ph.D.’s.)

Florida State vs. Alabama (Hypothetically Retractable Roof Stadium): No. 1 vs. No. 3 sounds a lot better than Alabama vs. Opening Flotsam or Nick Saban vs. Former Punk Assistants.  The Crimson Tide is 10-0 in season openers under Saban (aggregate score: 410 to 120). Saban is 10-0 against four of his former assistants (aggregate score: 403-104). Jimbo Fisher, your table is ready. Tide covers 7.

Saban vs. ex-assistants always reminds me of…

Tennessee vs. Georgia Tech (roof: still closed): A sportsbook has issued odds on the first SEC coach to get fired. Butch Jones is tied at the top with Kevin Sumlin (roughly 3-2). This game could break the tie. Tech has to replace their departed starting quarterback (Justin Thomas) and their best running back (Dedrick Mills) was booted. If Paul Johnson has been a little more curmudgeonly than usual, he’s excused. Fortunately, nobody seems to think Tech is going to be any good now, and isn’t that when Johnson generally drives a backhoe through their pansies? Take the 3, but Jackets win in straight upset.

The Florida Gators pose for preseason team picture.

Michigan vs. Florida (Arlington, Texas): The Gators haven’t played a game yet, and they’ve already suspended 10 players, most for credit-card fraud, but there have been no reported assaults or felonious eye-gougings, so when you think about it Jim McElwain has done a fine job cleaning up Urban Meyer’s Program of Borderline Delinquents. By the way, how’s Steve Spurrier working out as “ambassador and consultant”? Wolverines cover 5.

BYU vs. LSU (New Orleans): LSU has gone from Nick Saban to Les Miles to Ed Orgeron for head coaches. I’m not sure, but I think the next stop on the coach evolutionary scale is a cantaloupe. Tigers win, but I’ll dance with BYU and 16.

Kent State at Clemson: Dabo Swinney won the title. He deserves a cookie. Tigers cover 39½.

The Liberty-Baylor game has been moved to a more appropriate venue.

Liberty at Baylor: Liberty, whose mission statement includes a “commitment to the Christian life, one of personal integrity, sensitivity to the needs of others (and) social responsibility,” hired former Baylor athletic director Ian McCaw, who resigned in the wake of the Baylor sexual-assault scandal. I may be Jewish, but I think Liberty is reading from an entirely new testament. No pick. They’re both going to hell.

Bethune-Cookman at Miami: What Kirby Smart does in his second season shouldn’t be the only question in Athens. Here’s another: Will he do better than Mark Richt in Year 2 at Miami? Flashback to his second season at Georgia: Richt was 13-1 and won the SEC title. The Hurricanes will look that good this game: But I’ll take Bethune-Cookman and 51½.

N.C. State vs. South Carolina: Will Muschamp is only 20-1 on that SEC coach/Vegas line. He’s considering putting $100 down. Kidding.  Sort of. Wolfpack covers 5.

Georgia Southern at Auburn: The Eagles will make $1.3 million for this game and also receive 500 comp tickets, 150 seats for the band and 500 seats for re-sale. And Band-Aids. Definitely Band-Aids. Tigers win, but take GSU and 34.

Scorecard and Lilly’s pick

“At the gambling table, there are no fathers and sons.” — Chinese proverb

Opening week projection: 10-0.

Lock of the week: Deadbolt.

Lilly’s pick: Weekend Predictions picked up the option of Lilly’s contract, despite her won-loss record slipping last season. This week, we put salami slices on pictures of Jimbo Fisher (left) and Nick Saban (right). Lilly wasted no time. She likes salami. And she went left. She’s going with the upset: Seminoles.

Subscribe to the,We Never Played The Game” podcast with the AJC’s Jeff Schultz and WSB’s Zach Klein on iTunes. Episodes also can be downloaded from on-demand link on WSBRadio.com.

Some recent ramblings

Reader Comments 0

183 comments
loxize
loxize

like Curtis said I can't believe that any body can make $8668 in one month on the internet .

Open this >>>|/。★★。\  www.4smartway.com|/。★ ★☆

OH:IO
OH:IO

Gators: It you ain't targeting (or eye gouging) you ain't trying. 


SEC! SEC! 


Thugs

OH:IO
OH:IO

Hey dogs, fierce Note Dame is on. 


So is Charleston Southern. 


woof woof

OH:IO
OH:IO

Last I knew Maryland is B1G. 

TOJacket
TOJacket

@OH:IO Touche my friend...I thought of all these idiots talking about how pathetic the Terps were...ask Randy White...MD Rollathon.

TOJacket
TOJacket

Yea...pitiful little 10 Maryland is beating Texas at Texas...I'd love to see the dawgs pull that off.

TOJacket
TOJacket

Muschamp's DL is pretty dang stout.

TOJacket
TOJacket

Carolina NC St. looks like it will be a good one.

Big Wally
Big Wally

TO + Ohio = 31-TO-0hio. It's a shame that TO has to pretend to be someone else.  I guess being a Tech fan is that embarrassing.

Heather M. Graves
Heather M. Graves

 just before I saw the receipt which said $7047, I did not believe that...my... sister woz like trully erning money part time at their laptop.. there best friend has been doing this less than 18 months and by now took care of the debts on their cottage and bourt a top of the range Ford. I went here, www.smart-job5.com


OH:IO
OH:IO

The network announced Friday morning the broadcast earned a 3.6 over night rating — ESPN's best kickoff weekend Thursday game on record — that shattered the previous overnight record by 44%.

RELATED Five things we learned from OSU's 49-21 victory over IU.

Its streaming audience of 1,399,000 that had 201,000 viewers in the average minute smashed the streaming record by 109%.

dawg fan
dawg fan

Thanks Captain Obvious. We understand the reason for ESPN's blatant bias. We already knew that.

I bet that 31-0 playoff beatdown had good ratings too.

OH:IO
OH:IO

@dawg fan


Another cry of dog Elite Program Envy. 


The 6:15PM spot, although not an undercard, is a tweener between the more desirable 3:30PM and 8PM kicks.


But hey, if your 3rd tier program hasn't won anything in over a decade and your ranked #15, that's what you get. 

dawg fan
dawg fan

As opposed to the noon snoozers against Little 10 cream puffs that makes up 90% of the Choke-eyes schedule every year? That's much better I guess.

OH:IO
OH:IO

@dawg fan


Charleston Southern is on the regional network if you want to catch up with them. Not sure about Nichols. 

NorwegianB
NorwegianB

Jeff- I've never played Sack Schultz before but decided to sign up this year and was really looking forward to it. But there were so many technical problems with the site that I finally gave up. I'm not old, confused or insane (yet).  It's not an ISP issue or a problem with my device. I'm using a Macbook, and I haven't had trouble with any other sites. The contest application let enter my picks when I first registered, but apparently didn't save them. Then it wouldn't recognize me when I returned, even though I was properly logged in and had previously confirmed my email address. So, I'm bummed, but no biggie. Just thought I'd give you a heads up in case anyone else had issues. /NB

Big Wally
Big Wally

Laughable, TO trying to disguise himself as a buckeye fan and making fun of UGA's schedule.  Hey dumb arse, tecky is playing Jacksonville State next week, while UGA is playing Notre Dame. 

TOJacket
TOJacket

@Big Wally Hey Big Idiot....Notre Dame was 4-8 last year...Jax St. was 10-2...boy you are stupid.

Big Wally
Big Wally

It's Friday night, that means it is time for Big 10 football. I wonder if it will outdraw Navy and Florida Atlantic.

Big Wally
Big Wally

Glad to see that Ohio St. could finally score a point.  Of course it was against a lousy Big 10 team, but hey, baby steps, baby steps.

Big Wally
Big Wally

Since TO and Ohio are the same person, I guess we should start addressing them/him as 31-TO-0hio.

DrPhill
DrPhill

I have seen the Bambi/Godzilla thing before. Jeff must be recycling, Same with the prisoners. Surely you can do better.

TOJacket
TOJacket

@DrPhill I noticed that too....running out of material?...I'll hook him up for the right $$

OH:IO
OH:IO

Anymore Gators suspended today? What's in your wallet?


SEC! SEC! 

KeepOnSmilingWetWillie
KeepOnSmilingWetWillie

Best of luck to all of your favorite teams in 2017. I hope I am wrong (as usual) but I believe the Tide will lose a close game to the Fighting  Jimbo's in Mr Blanks new gig.


Roll Tide


Aaliyah.
Aaliyah.

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twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Thursday night halftime score 14-13 IU powerhouse over the overrated bucknuts.

Ratings were through the roof!

Bawahwahwahwah

TOJacket
TOJacket

@twelveofthirteen All you dawg morons are as stupid as the day is long...hr is a OSU fan, if you half wits can't figure that out UGA must be easier than I thought.

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Settle down cary. We have to be somewhat civil once the Falcons start back up.

TOJacket
TOJacket

@twelveofthirteen Lets see what the score is at halftime of Notre Dame game...they were 4-8 last year...you keep throwing up IU being 6-7....they at least made a bowl game last year.

DawgNole
DawgNole

@TOJacket

And with their record, IU deserved a bowl game about as much as osu deserved a playoff berth.

Oh, and how did they perform in that bowl game?

Why do you always omit pertinent into, liar?