“. . . and that’s why you can bank on Trump plus-42 over Clinton. In fact, I don’t even need the 42 points. Trump in an upset.”
(The above pick was inadvertently cut out of Weekend Predictions last week because editors are leftist, tree-hugging nincompoops. Please accept our apologies and visit our offices to pick up your free Kasim Reed blue siren helmet as a token of our appreciation.)
Before we get to this week’s big game between Somebody From The SEC West vs. Somebody From The SEC East, and that almost never goes well, we offer hope to all extreme underdogs: According to Las Vegas oddsmaker R.J. Bell, Donald Trump was listed as a 250-1 longshot to win the election when he first announced his candidacy, and I don’t believe that’s because everybody in Las Vegas has a leftist media agenda, although I could be wrong because sometimes I miss the Tuesday night meetings. (We have cookies.)
I mean, 250-1?
Look at it this way: The Braves are tied for the longest odds to win the World Series next season and they’re only 100-1. They’re practically in!
So now we know (again) what polls and projections mean. It’s kind of like when Georgia opened the season by beating North Carolina and they shot to No. 9 in the rankings and visions of an SEC title game danced in everybody’s noggin. The Bulldogs scrambled to beat Kentucky last week, and by the celebration you would’ve thought they just won five swing states.
Georgia plays Auburn this week. It’s the Bulldogs first game in Athens since they lost to Vanderbilt, which followed them losing at home to Tennessee, which followed them barely winning at home over Nicholls State. Home is a good thing, right?
I’m not sure Georgia could beat Electoral College right now, and they’re never ranked high, let alone Auburn, which has won six straight.
Some things are still easy to predict: Tigers over Dogs and cover 10½.
(Where “Knowledge is Good”)
Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech: Rambling Wrecked has allowed an average of 40 points and 534 yards in the last three ACC games, including 48 points and 636 yards at North Carolina. But there is good news: I think last week’s sacrifice qualifies as a tax deduction. Seriously, can a defense not stop one play? Running back Dedrick Mills is out this week with a suspension. Great timing. Hokies cover 14.
Mississippi State at Alabama: Nick Saban admitted he didn’t vote, saying, “It was so important to me that I didn’t even know it was happening,” and, “We’re focused on other things here.” What a fine message to send to the youth of America, and those on his campus. Alabama legislators should remember this when they vote to secede from the Union. Saban won’t care because he’ll be working on the LSU game plan. Free swords to the first 10,000 mercenaries in attendance. Tide wins but I’ll dance with Missy State and 30.
South Carolina at Florida: Yeah, that Gator team that stuffed Georgia was so good that they got flattened by 1-3 Arkansas 31-10. Georgia rushed for 21 yards; Arkansas rushed for 223. Maybe the Dogs softened them up — you know, like when you couldn’t open the jelly jar as a kid so you gave it to your mom and she did it left-handed, then patted you on the head. So maybe this is a good week for Will Muschamp to make his return to Gainesville after all. Gators win but take the Poultry and 11½.
Arkansas at LSU: Media speculators, fresh off election polling, now believe Ed Orgeron has a shot to keep the LSU job. Based on beating Missouri and Ole Miss and losing close (at home) to Alabama? Orgeron’s SEC record at Ole Miss: 3-21. That laughter you hear is from Oxford. And wherever Les Miles is fishing. Tigers win but take Piggies and 7.
Snoopy told LSU may keep Ed Orgeron
Kentucky at Tennessee: The Vowels lost three straight SEC games so they beat up on Tennessee Tech 55-0 last week. At least now we know Butch Jones would kick butt in the Ohio Valley Conference. Vols win but take Big Blue and 13½.
Mississippi at Texas A&M: Both teams have lost their starting quarterbacks. But the Rebels have dropped three straight SEC games since looking like Godzilla against Georgia so it’s easy to determine the lesser of two pretenders. Aggies cover 10.
Miami at Virginia: Mark Richt could’ve gone to Virginia instead of Miami. They’d be thrilled with 5-4 in Charlottesville. In Miami, not so much. Canes cover 10½.
Louisiana-Monroe at Georgia State: The Panthers’ bowl chances are officially dead (2-7 with three games left). If you look at the $53 million redevelopment plan at Turner Field, tell me if you can find an office door with Trent Miles’ name on it. Panthers cover 11.
NFL Snack Pack
Falcon at Eagles: The Eagles started the season 3-0, had a bye, then returned as the team everybody initially expected. They’re 1-4 since. Big question: When Falcons coach Dan Quinn says cornerback Desmond Trufant (shoulder/pectoral) is “day-to-day,” how many “to-day-to-days” should we expect? Falcons win, take the point.
49ers at Cardinals: Colin Kaepernick has been speaking out about civil liberties but he chose not to vote, which is the greatest freedom of them all. This dude’s in his Own Private Idaho. (Cue: B-52s.) Arizona covers 13.
Take it, B-52s
Seahawks at Patriots: Richard Sherman was fined for his relative assault of Buffalo kicker Dan Carpenter last week (all officials were looking in the other direction, just like the referee in old-time wrestling). Sherman should be happy. If it was up to Carpenter’s wife, Kaela, he’d be soprano, having Tweeted after the play, “I know what we do on the farm when a male can’t control his own rage. #LuckyImNotThere” Ouch. Patriots cover 7½.
Cowboys at Steelers: Dallas has won seven straight. It’s a good thing Tony Romo renewed his season tickets. But: I think Dak Prescott’s in for a hurtin’. Steelers cover 2½.
Dolphins at Chargers: San Diego voters rejected an initiative for a taxpayer-funded stadium. But if Dean Spanos is worried about being down to his last billion dollars and wants to move the team, come to Atlanta. We take care of our poor and oppressed one percent here (Braves, Falcons, Hawks). Chargers cover 4.
Last week: 11-5 straight up, 9-7 against the line.
Bottom dollars: 94-39-1 straight up, 67-64-3 against the line.
Lilly’s pick: Lilly, who has never had a losing season, has dropped a career-worst five straight games. She will be reassigned to the Big Sky Conference after the season. This week, she chose between pictures of Bulldog puppies (left) and Tiger kitties (right). She went for the cheese on the right. Auburn wins.
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