Weekend Predictions: Dogs rebound, Jackets win, Falcons fall

chalk3

Before we get to this week’s big game between the Missouri Tigers and the Georgia Afterthoughts on Nicholls State’s Schedule, this important update: Sunday is National Cheeseburger Day. This came as a complete shock to me because I didn’t realize there were was only one of these, more like 297, built around Leftover Chinese Day and Cold Pizza For Breakfast Day and Fall Asleep On The Couch With Your Head In The Haagen Daz Carton While The Dog Licks Around You Like It’s A Food Crime Scene Day.

The cheeseburger is on the low end of the world culinary scale. Simple, cute, unintimidating. Like the SEC right now. (Wow! Look at those phone lines light up!)

It’s only two weeks into the season. I dare you to name an SEC team other than Alabama that’s not a cheeseburger. From QuikTrip. At 2 a.m. Alabama is No. 1 in the AP rankings but the next SEC team until . . . 15th. There sits Tennessee, which almost lost to Appalachian State, followed by No. 16 Georgia, which created a lifetime of memories for Nicholls State.

Kirby Smart took last week’s crummy performance by his offensive line well.

Not really.

“They. Just. Played. Harder. Than. We. Did.”

He spoke slow for effect. Also because his blood pressure was rising, and maybe because he gave the 49 points last week, and maybe because he was talking to sportswriters and he figured at any moment one would dare ask to talk to a player. (Insert “Soup Nazi” response: No quarterbacks for you!”)

This week, it’s the SEC opener against Mizzou. The Dogs are favored by 6, a line based on an assumption that they were abducted by aliens last week. I’ll bite. But I don’t know why. Georgia wins 10-3. That’s a cover.

The Quote Nazi

Sack Schultz 2016

Week 2 update:  Through two weeks, I’m in 144th place. The sweet spot. There’s a bunch of losers tied for first place at 26-4. Congrats to last week’s winner, Glenn Clark of Sugar Hill, Ga., who cheated and went 15-0, winning both the Kroger gift card and the Fathead. Still plenty of time to enter for a chance to win the grand prizes: tickets to the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl and a $2,500 Apple Vacation. Go to MyAJC.com/go/sackschultz2016 to register. For more info click here.

Between (Optional) Study Hall

This has been Nick Saban in the last two games against Mississippi.

This has been Nick Saban in the last two games against Mississippi.

Vanderbilt at Georgia Tech: Vanderbilt probably peaked under former coach James Franklin, and ironically James Franklin probably peaked at Vanderbilt. Jackets cover 6½.

Alabama at Mississippi: Since the start of the 2014 season, Alabama is 0-2 against Ole Miss and 28-1 against everybody else (the loss coming to Ohio State in the national title game). Nick Saban hasn’t lost three straight to anybody since he turned six and the clown at his birthday party kept making the purple handkerchief disappear. On a related note, nobody has seen Chuckles since. Payback: Bammy covers 11½.

Florida State at Louisville: The ACC hopes to relocate its conference title game in Orlando because the weather is nice and it touches Florida State’s fan base. It’s a great plan, except for the fact Florida State may not be there. Cardinals win (take the 1½).

Texas A&M at Auburn: Gus Malzahn’s SEC record in 2013: 7-1. Gus Malzahn’s SEC record since: 6-10. Next two opponents: Texas A&M and LSU. Kaboom. Aggies cover 3½.

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Colorado’s response to Jim Harbaugh’s depth chart.

Colorado at Michigan: Jim Harbaugh refuses to put out a Michigan depth chart so Colorado reciprocated week with the sports information department putting out a fake on. At quarterback for the Buffaloes: Elmer Fudd. There’s also Manute Bol at receiver and Bernie Sanders at free safety. Free, of course. Damn liberals. Michigan covers 20.

Mississippi State at LSU: Mississippi State freshman Jeffrey Simmons had two tackles for loss and a forced fumble in his debut following a one-game suspension for punching a woman several times, which made coach Dan Mullen feel much better about selling his soul and having no moral compass and comforted the weasley administration because MSU really doesn’t care about violence against woman and plans to become an all-male school for felons anyway. Wait. That didn’t come out right. Tigers cover 14.

North Texas at Florida: The Gators’ first three opponents: UMass, Kentucky, North Texas. What, couldn’t work in Montessori? Cardboard tough guys cover 37.

Georgia State at Wisconsin: Wisconsin is home to the Lumberjack World Championships. And you thought I didn’t do research. The Panthers are coming off a 48-14 loss at Air Force. Wisconsin is coming off a 54-10 win over Akron. So add those two together and divide by two and Georgia State should lose 51-12. See, I’m embracing analytics. Badgers win but take State and 34½.

You say: lumberjacks. I think: The Lumberjack Song.

Pros and Protesters

A field-level shot of the Falcons' defense last week.

A field-level shot of the Falcons’ defense last week.

Falcons at Raiders: Congratulations. If you’re reading this, you’re tied for the Falcons’ lead in sacks. If we can take a break from the Kyle-Shanahan-must-eat-paint-chips-because-we-still-stink-in-the-redzone rants, the defense last week extended three Tampa Bay scoring drives with third-down penalties and allowed touchdowns in four out of five possessions. I need evidence of improvement. Oakland wins but take the Falcons and 5½.

Colts at Broncos: Andrew Luck on playing in Denver: “Very few times in life do you get to go somewhere where 80,000 people want to call you bad names.” He should try blogging. Denver covers 6½.

Ravens at Browns: This week from Cleveland coach Hue Jackson: “We’re going to win a championship here for the Cleveland Browns.” Note he didn’t say it would be in football. Because he certainly clinched the title for the season’s funniest declaration. Baltimore covers 7.

Remember, it’s about presentation, not substance

Dolphins at Patriots: The NFL passes a rule to minimize kickoff returns and increase touchbacks in a window-dressing attempt to minimize concussions. So what does Bill Belichick do? He has his kicker intentionally kick off short so Arizona has to return it and more likely gets pinned inside the 25. I swear, I’m never playing that guy in Monopoly. Patriots cover 6½.

Packers at Vikings: Aaron Rodgers all-time vs. Minnesota: 34 touchdowns, 5 interceptions, 113.2 rating and I’m pretty sure he stole their sheep. Packers cover 2½.

Saints at Giants: Drew Brees considered retiring last season but then he threw seven touchdown passes against New York and realized they were on the schedule again this season. Take the gift 4½ and Saints in an upset.

P&L Statement

profitlossriskdecisionoutcomelg“I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” — Mitch Hedberg

Last week: 11-3 straight up, 7-6-1 against the spread.

Week 2 totes: 17-6 straight up, 11-10-2 against the spread.

Lilly’s pick: Lilly earned extra table scraps. She picked Tampa Bay last week. All bow to the mutt. This week, with salami on the menu, the choice was Uga or Missouri’s mascot, Truman The Tiger. Lilly goes right — to Uga. Dogs win.

lilly3

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Reader Comments 0

354 comments
Big Wally
Big Wally

Ever notice how What Excuse Now and Blowhio sound very similar?   It is almost like they are a couple of circus freaks joined at the head.  Now there is a visual for ya.

TOJacket
TOJacket

You feeling pretty tough spanky?

WhatExcuseNow
WhatExcuseNow

Anybody check on Dawg-Nole, aka, 350, akaa Moist??? Hopefully, sharp scissors were not easily within reach -OR- the bandwagons travelling too fast as he hopped FSwho's to ride the fightin' kirbies...... I would imagine the stampede was great as everybody exited in the first half. Thanks, L. Jackson. By the way, you can quit scoring, now...........

WhatExcuseNow
WhatExcuseNow

12/13

Didn't mean to insult your girl.

If you love dn, keep sharp objects and rope or sheets out of easy reach of her, at least for this week........

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

What I love is redneck fat bammer rammer fans feeling the need to run their mouth on the AJC.

WhatExcuseNow
WhatExcuseNow

I'll take all things 12/13 loves for 200, Alex. Dawg-nole. It's in print. But, I don't fly that way...Thanks for the gesture, but N O......

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

That was "almost" funny. Please keep trying though once you get your truck off the blocks in your front yard. Bammer rammer.

WhatExcuseNow
WhatExcuseNow

Hey, gtcaryd and OH:IO, you two are welcome to ride shotgun or backseat as Bama powers towards another national championship in our monster truck. HONK if you won a title since 1990.....or more than one, Evah !!!!!!!

R T R !!!!!!!! That's what WINNERS say as they get Sprinkles, Jimmy !!!!!!!!!!

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Nothing but Redneck chatter.

Can someone get Jeff Foxworthy on here to translate whatever in the hell this idiot just posted?

WhatExcuseNow
WhatExcuseNow

12/13

Don't follow Flo (Progressive Insurance) nor espn's 2016 college football advertisements much do ya???????

I mean college football and winners are unfathomable to dawg fans, I'm sure of it now. Thanks for validation....

TOJacket
TOJacket

What Excuse...You've upset 12 or 13 by talking about his bromance man....Mrs. Landers

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

13 of 15 upsets you old man. Hahaha we own your sorry old a$$

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

And you are here why? Not enough redneck fat boy bammer blogs or do you just blend in too well over there and need a new podium for that backwoods chatter?

WhatExcuseNow
WhatExcuseNow

Only here to poke the bear. So easily stirred. It is the humor and delusion that draws us. 36 years and counting of going strong Dawgnation.

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

"Us" just you fat boy. Momma is ringing that chow time bell. Crawl away stumpy.

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Crap flows south right "worst fans in america"???

#drpepperlarryinthehouse

Big Wally
Big Wally

Blowhio, it is ok to admit it, we all know you had to change your pants after Eason's pass.  If you are going to get that excited watching Eason from now on, you might want to try some Depends diapers.

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

And Vandy helped you by not tackling. Get over yourself. 13 of 15.

TOJacket
TOJacket

He played a good game, but Mizzou helped you as much as anyone.

OH:IO
OH:IO

@Big Wally


Actually, it was the extra point attempt that had my attention. 

Big Wally
Big Wally

@TOJacket That plus our horrendous kicking game.  We are probably the worse kicking team in the SEC.  Missed FG's, short kickoffs giving the other team good field position, etc.

OH:IO
OH:IO

@Big Wally


Our kicking game is better than your kicking game. 

OH:IO
OH:IO

@Big Wally


The dogs might dress any of the Clark Co. high school kickers and have a better shot. 


But hey, he's an SEC! SEC! kicker. 

TOJacket
TOJacket

Yea and Vandy is a big, scary SEC, SEC school!

TOJacket
TOJacket

They haven't beat us at the Flats since before WW2

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Really? Richt was 8-0. Hahaha and about to be 9-0 with his canes.

Big Wally
Big Wally

It gets a little weird around here when "What Excuse Now" and "Blowhio" start swapping spit.

OH:IO
OH:IO

@twelveofthirteen


I care about one team. I don't need to chant and ride the coattails of Alabama. 


But go ahead, chant if you must, ride if you need to, 

TOJacket
TOJacket

12/13.......you guys are a virtual juggernaut. Lucky to get that W......got to play the cheaters now.

Big Wally
Big Wally

@TOJacket The cheaters are very good............in the first half.   Still.  I don't think we can beat them and will be huge underdogs.

TOJacket
TOJacket

The Rebels have tons of talent on their team. Can't see the dawgs winning this one. I think Tech could beat Tenn.

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Yet 90% of your rants are Dr Pepper Larry stats about the little ten.

You are a complete joke. Get a life Larry.

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

And yet we beat the coastal division champs you said we would not.

#nocredibilityoldman

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Whatever Dr Pepper Larry.

Your new name on here shall be Larry. I bet you are the inspiration for that dude and you sure as hell act like him on here. Feel sorry for those forced to interact with you in person.

But as the ESPN guys quoted last week "OSU fans are the worst in the nation". Crap flows south and some of it made it to this blog from Ohio = YOU.

#DrpepperLarry

Big Wally
Big Wally

@OH:IO You just said you only cared about one team, now you are spewing conference standings.  You are such a lying hypocrite you are not even mildly amusing anymore.

TOJacket
TOJacket

They just have ships to cheer about?

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

Thank Houston for already showing the nation OU isnt good.

#Dr pepper Larry in the house

TOJacket
TOJacket

Houston would beat you humps backward! Lol

twelveofthirteen
twelveofthirteen

But they wouldnt beat tech? Right?

Go gum out your jello breakfast old man.

13 of 15 keeps you coming back for more pain.

Big Wally
Big Wally

@TOJacket How is that LOL?  Houston is a very good team.  Beat FSU last year and beat the snot out of Oklahoma this year.

TOJacket
TOJacket

What's you're best win so far? Tar Heels? Jimmy's Mad Dukes scored more on them on the first half than the dawgs did the whole game.....Nicholl State face plant and barely beat a Mizzou team who had 5 TO?