Before we get to this week’s predictions, which assumes no other coach resigns before a game and is celebrated by fawning media members because he gave good quotes, thereby making it OK to ignore that he’s a spineless coward who after going 2-4 suddenly decided he doesn’t like coaching any more — STOP THE SEASON! STEVE SPURRIER WANTS TO GET OFF AT THE NEXT STATION! — here’s a recap of the past week.
Playboy announced it would no longer publish pictures of nude women (processing). Spurrier snuck out the back. Florida quarterback Will Grier was suspended for performance enhancing drugs. Playboy announced it would no longer publish pictures of nude women (still processing). Maryland fired coach Randy Edsall because, according to the school president, “We can be the next Oregon.” (Hahahaha. Sorry.) USC fired coach Steve Sarkisian for showing up drunk at work. Playboy said it would no longer publish pictures of nude women (still processing!!!). George O’Leary fired himself as Central Florida athletic director but not as coach (he went 1-for-2).
Also, the Chicago Cubs upset St. Louis. They may go to the World Series. The last time the Cubs won the Series was in 1908, unless you count the movies. In “Back To The Future II,” Marty McFly traveled from 1985 to 2015 in his DeLorean and immediately learns the 100-1 shot Cubs win the World Series! (There was nothing in the movie about Spurrier. A script writer had him quitting in the original version but he was forced to take it out and then he was committed to an asylum for writing something so preposterous.)
Anyway, while we’re on the subject of absurdities, here’s one for you: Georgia can still go to the SEC championship.
Florida has lost its QB. Kentucky is in second place. Cute. Tennessee stinks. South Carolina stinks. Vanderbilt stinks. Missouri lost to Kentucky.
Georgia just lost Nick Chubb. But this is winnable division if the Dogs’ defense begins tackling and covering, which I’m going to assume is taught in practice, although I can’t be certain because practice is closed to the media and maybe they’re just sitting around debating this whole Playboy issue. (Processing.)
Dogs are favored by 16 over Missouri. Where did I park my DeLorean? Georgia wins but won’t cover, take Mizzou and the candy.
Georgia (Cubs) win the SEC East (World Series)!
*** Thursday Internet Only Special ***
Falcons at Saints: Julio Jones has only one healthy hamstring but Sean Payton has one hamstring out the door. I know crazy things happen when these two teams play and the Falcons are way overdue for a faceplant. But the Saints are way past their freshness date, ranking last in total defense and almost last in scoring defense and rushing. So once again they’re asking the question in New Orleans: Paper or plastic? Falcons cover 3½.
Academia, Kinda Sorta
Pitt at Georgia Tech: Jackets have lost four straight and are in danger of not going to a bowl game for the first time since 1996. I think that was the season George O’Leary went 5-6 but he wrote on his resume that he went 9-2. Jackets cover 3.
Vanderbilt at South Carolina: To honor Spurrier, South Carolina players plan to play one half and then leave. Take Vandy and 2½ and in a straight upset.
Florida at LSU: Nice week for the Gators. A freshman defensive back was thrown off the team for felony gun and assault charges and Grier was suspended for a year for consuming something more potent than Flintstones chewables. Is Urban Meyer back in town? Florida backup Treon Harris threw two touchdown passes in the opener against New Mexico State, which means…nothing. Ain’t enough cherry Bamm-Bamms in the world for this upset. Tigers cover 9½.
Checking in with Prof. Miles Columbus Day week
Louisville at Florida State: The Louisville basketball players get strippers and hookers. The football team struggles to score against N.C. State. It’s almost not even fun to pick on Bobby Petrino anymore. Almost. Seminoles cover 7.
Alabama at Texas A&M: Kevin Sumlin has a dream situation at Texas A&M but if USC offers him their job he should take it because Southern California offers him something he can’t get in College Station: a view of something other than a cow. Also, no Nick Saban. Tide covers 4.
Happy Hour in College Station
Boston College at Clemson: Boston College is 0-3 in the ACC scoring 0, 7 and 0 points in three games. It’s a good thing head coach Steve Addazio’s background is in offense or they might be really bad. Check? Tigers cover 15.
Next stop for B.C.
NFL Snack Pack
Cardinals at Steelers: The NFL fined the Pittsburgh’s Cameron Heyward for writing “Iron” and “Head” on his eye-black as a tribute to his father (who died of cancer) and told DeAngelo Williams he can’t wear pink wristbands or cleats the rest of the season to honor his mother (who died of breast cancer). I guess eye-black and wrist bands to support cancer research can lead to chaos. On a related note, please vote to fund all new stadium issues! Arizona covers 3.
Goodell-Bot is malfunctioning again
Bears at Lions: It’s another year of the Bears getting ignored in October because of Cubs’ playoff baseball. This is getting so old. Detroit covers 3.
Giants at Eagles: There are at least 31 college teams that would want Chip Kelly as their coach right now. And 31 NFL teams that wouldn’t. But this one will go well: Philly covers 4.
Patriots at Colts: A Go Fund Me account was set up to have a blimp fly over Lucas Oil Stadium with a message reading, “#DeflateThisBrady”. But the Colts were nice ad asked the blimp operator to shut it down, probably fearing Tom Brady would throw seven touchdown passes. He may do it anyway. Pats cover 7½.
The plan that was nixed
Broncos at Browns: Cleveland’s 36-year-old vagabond Josh McCown (1,154 yards and six touchdowns in the last three weeks) continues to outplay Johnny Manziel, which can only mean one thing: owner Jimmy Haslam will have to fire the coach and the general manager again. Denver covers 4½.
Panthers at Seahawks: Russell Wilson has been sacked 22 times. But Seattle has a bye coming up soon so maybe he can rest up catching long rang missiles and flossing sharks’ teeth. Seahawks win but take Carolina and 6½.
Lilly’s Pick (Pitt at Georgia Tech): Super Mutt saw her four-game winning streak end when she picked Georgia over Tennessee. This week, we slapped up cheese’d pictures of mascots Buzz and Roc The Panther. Lilly the liberal went left. Tech wins. (If Tech wins, I suspect Paul Johnson will want to put her on staff.)
“The house doesn’t beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.” — Nicholas Dandolos
Last week: 12-2 straight up, 7-7 against the line.
Through Lap 6: 52-25 straight up; 39-37-1 against the line.
Sack Schultz update: Last week’s prize winners were Larry Colbert and Thomas Cirrincione, who both went 14-1. I went 10-5 and appear to be in a sinkhole. To enter, go to AJC.com/go/sackschultz2015.