Hello. This is Lilly, the humanoid’s brilliant canine, or as I like to call myself, “The superior being.”
Follow me on Twitter and I guarantee that you’ll get more accurate picks than the two-legged geranium who last week told you Georgia Tech would beat Notre Dame (phhhhfft) and Georgia wouldn’t cover against South Carolina. I laughed so hard that I p.. … well, I’m glad I don’t wear pants.
So as I was …
Knucklehead is preparing my processed cheese food for my expert pick of the week, which you can find below and then you can ignore the other 800 characters of drivel. I’m here to tell ….
BIRDS AT THE FEEDER!!!
They fly. I hate that.
So before mushhead gets back, a reminder that I’m 2-1 this season, which is far more reliable investment advice than you find anywhere else, certainly on this page. This week, I …
Fleas. Uh …
Oh yeah …
Oh yeahhh. That’s the spot …
Anyway. Since Blunder Boy was so bad against the spread last week, he let me take over. It’s only a matter of time before I’m writing the whole column and he’s down all fours, picking between chunks of Pop Tarts stuck to two pictures on a wall. It’s so demeaning. Hey, YOU get off the couch, Fuzzface!
So where was I? This is easy. He gets paid for this?
The Falcons play Dallas this week. Jughead Jerry Jones, who I would imagine feeds his dogs better food than crap-from-the-bag-on-sale, is losing it. Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has a fractured clavicle. But Jonesy says of the No. 2 guy, Brandon Weeden, “He’s a thing of beauty on throwing a football. His passing motion and his arm, frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer.”
Of course. That’s why Cleveland released him.
How did Jones make a billion dollars? Selling potions to other dumb humans?
The Falcons have gone from 4½-point underdogs to two-point favorites. You want to win this week? Here’s an easy one: Birds win and cover.
Now, for the losing picks, read the rest. It’s all yours, Mr. Evolved Species.
Dept. of Fantasy Football Overkill (via Funny Or Die)
Southern at Georgia: The contract says Southern must bring the school’s famous band to the game. Strange. It doesn’t say anything about bringing the football team. Seriously, if the players had kazoos at halftime and the band members played at halftime, would the spread be bigger than 54½? Don’t blink or you’ll miss Nick Chubb. Dogs win but take the Band and 54½.
The Faber College band was a late scratch
Yech at Duke: If Georgia Tech’s objective was to not have anybody take them seriously for the next several weeks, well, congratulations, Jackets. Certainly, everybody stopped paying attention after Notre Dame jumped ahead 30-7 last week. I’m no expert but I know this: It helps to block. Buzz wins but take Duke and 8½.
Mississippi State at Fantasyland: Will Muschamp was supposed to be Auburn’s defensive savior but the Tigers rank 100th after three games. Auburn also is changing quarterbacks, so I guess that means Jeremy Johnson’s Heisman campaign is over. The new Auburn quarterback is Sean White, whom his “private” quarterbacks coach compared to Tom Brady. You know what Auburn really needs? A “Just Shut Up” week. Take the 1½ and Mississippi State straight up.
Ashes To Ashes Bowl (Central Florida vs. South Carolina). George O’Leary and Steve Spurrier will meet on the field before the game. In urns. Roosters cover 15.
Louisiana-Monroe at Alabama: Remember 2007? Alabama lost to Louisiana Monroe and Nick Saban (probably still dazed) said he hoped his program could bounce back from a “catastrophic event” just like the U.S. after 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. It was a completely inappropriate analogy, but for no bigger reason than this: Most of the nation was celebrating after the Alabama lost. Tide wins but take ULM and 38.
Tennessee at Florida: Florida coach Jim McElwain suspended two players this week, so apparently he’s determined to follow a different path to success than Urban Meyer. Vols cover 1.
Louisville at Samford: Bobby Petrino is 0-3 and his passing offense has accounted for two touchdowns, five interceptions and 11 sacks and is ranked 111th in efficiency in the nation. And the angels sing. Let’s see if he can handle an FCS team. Weasel covers 28.
Maybe Petrino can try this play
NFL SNACK PACK
Saints at Panthers: Drew Brees right arm is dangling from his shoulder like limp linguine and the Saints are 7-12 since their last playoff win in 2013. On a related note, who wrote “Sean Payton” on Tom Coughlin’s parking space this week? Panthers cover 3.
Raiders at Browns: Johnny Manziel (1-0) has more wins this season than Drew Brees (0-2), Andrew Luck (0-2), Russell Wilson (0-2), Joe Flacco (0-2),
Eli Manning (0-2) and Matthew Stafford (0-2). Enjoy the pink unicorn show at halftime. Browns cover 3½.
Eagles at Jets: Chip Kelly’s world-changing, astrophysics-like offense ranks 28th in points, 25th in yards and has totaled 70 yard rushing in two games, which is less than 31 teams and four … QUARTERBACKS (!). Fortunately, Philadelphia fans are patient. (Pause for effect.) Mind boggling stat of the week: Jets’ defense has 10 takeaways. So it’s clear Rex Ryan was holding them back. New York covers 2½.
This Tweet says it all:
Bills at Dolphins: The Dolphins defense may be struggling because Ndamukong Suh is ignoring coaches and running his own playbook, according to the Miami Herald, which is a hard to imagine for such a chemically balanced, team guy. Or not. Miami wins but take Buffalo and 3.
Bears at Seahawks: Kam Chancellor says he ended his holdout because he suddenly felt sorry for teammates after Seattle’s 0-2 start. You know, the same teammates he submarined when he decided to hold out only one year into a four-year contract extension. Maybe with his next bonus, he can buy a clue. Seahawks win but take Chicago and 14½.
Nachos, Lies and Videotape
Last week (cover your eyes): 8-6 straight up, 6-8 against the line.
Fiscal report: 26-11 straight up, 17-19-1 against the line.
Sack Schultz update: Last week’s winners were Ken Meaney of New York (14-1) and Louis Lawhorn of New Mexico (13-2). I went only 10-5 and at 34-11 I’m five back of leader “Hammer63” of Alabama (39-6). Weekly prizes! Enter at AJC.com/go/sackschultz2015.