With Mississippi State ranked No. 1, the Kansas City Royals going to the World Series and the usually profitable Weekend Predictions struggling in the first half of this economic season — there’s hope: I’m in the NFC South with the Bucs and the Georgia state ethics commission — let me stall a paragraph before getting to the uncertainty surrounding this week’s featured event: Arkansas vs. No Todd Gurley again.
Down in Tallahassee, home of the police force with selective investigations and future Baltimore Ravens executive Jimbo Fisher, No. 2 Florida State faces No. 5 Notre Dame. It’s such a big event that ESPN is bringing “Game Day” to Tallahassee.
Problem is some/most petulant FSU fans apparently are mad at ESPN, because that media outlet hasn’t been as “fair” — read: coddling, enabling, blindly looking the other way — in matters regarding Jameis Winston as everybody on campus. So they’re planning a “boycott.”
Wait, don’t laugh.
The plan is: During “Game Day,” everybody will turn around and sit silently with their backs to the camera!
OK. Now you can laugh.
Personally, I think it would be better if everybody just held their breath until they passed out like all of the 5-year-olds. That strategy seems to be working for their football coach.
Winston hasn’t been suspended (yet), despite a website with more than 2,000 (!) items bearing his authenticated signature. FSU private investigator Chief Wiggum looked under his kitchen chair for evidence, ate a Pop Tart and called it a day.
Meanwhile, Todd Gurley sits. Reasonable, logical, non-conspiratorial conclusion: If Georgia was reasonably certain he didn’t break an NCAA rule that was worthy of at least a two-game suspension, he probably would be in Little Rock with the rest of the team. Instead, the Dogs will try to again fill themselves up with The World Doubts Us Juice and body slam Arkansas, just like they did Missouri.
Just a hunch: This won’t be as easy. But Piggy Town has dropped 15 straight SEC games and I don’t see that streak ending Saturday. Dogs cover 3½.
Notre Dame at Florida State: Here’s how the non-guaranteed portion of Fisher’s contract reads: $200,000 bonus for undefeated season; $200,000 for reaching national title game; $200,000 for winning national title; $200,000 for top-five finish; $100,000 for top-10 finish; $100,000 for division title; $100,000 for conference title; $75,000 for playoff berths. Well. I’m certainly glad he can be objective about Winston. Seminoles cover 12½.
Jimbo Fisher gets greedy
GaTech at North Carolina: The Jackets beat Miami. Fans swarmed the field. Then they had three turnovers and lost at home to Duke. Celebration tip: If Tech defeats UNC, embrace the moment quietly in your home, perhaps with a few Triscuits and some Cheese Whiz. Nobody will know. Buzz covers 2½.
GaState at South Alabama: The Panthers have lost five straight since winning their opener. Honestly, I’m more concerned that they didn’t cover the spread at home against Arkansas State. They’re dead to me. South Alabama covers 17½.
Texas A&M at Alabama: Nick Saban, master violin player that he is, says he’s mad everybody is whining about beating Arkansas only 14-13, which makes him sound really loving and protective, except that behind the scenes he’s throwing flesh-eating leeches in the film room. Meanwhile, remember when Texas A&M was good? Bammy wins but take A&M and 11½.
Saban’s orchestrated eruption
What’s inside Saban’s head (hide the kids)
Kentucky at LSU: Wonder if Kentucky is insulted about being underdogs to a team with a worse record. Tigers cover 9½.
Tennessee at Ole Miss: Somewhere in the heavens, God turned to Faulkner and said, “You writers complain too much. First it’s the food. Then it’s the wifi. Fine. Make a wish.” Poof: Rebels beat Alabama and Texas A&M. More Sound and Fury: Rebels win but take Vols and 16½.
Missouri at Florida: Will Muschamp says he’ll rotate quarterbacks. Florida fans are ready to rotate coaches. Gators cover 5½.
PROS AND CONS
Falcons at Ravens: It’s not all bad. The Ravens lie about felonies. The Falcons only lie about how good their football team will be. On a related note, PSLs in the new stadium will not be announced this week. Ravens cover 7.
Bengals at Colts: Bengals coach Marvin Lewis said concussions “linger longer” now because of the media attention paid to head injuries. Now there’s some forward thinking. Marvin: I’m not a doctor either, but you need help. Colts cover 3.
Panthers at Packers: Carolina (3-2-1) is in first place in the NFC South. There’s more value in a Kroger Plus Card. Packers cover 7.
Giants at Cowboys: Running back Joseph Randle, who last year signed a $2.349 million contract, was arrested for shoplifting a bottle of cologne and a pack of underwear. Everybody thinks the Cowboys are back. I’ll believe that when their arrests aren’t this funny. Dallas covers 6½.
49ers at Broncos: Peyton Manning needs three touchdown passes to break Brett Favre’s record of 508. Cue Favre comeback rumors in 3…2…1 … Denver covers 6½.
“If you gamble long enough, you’ll always lose. The gambler is always ruined.” – Michael Crichton, “The Lost World.”
Last week: I don’t want to talk about it.
Fine! 6-6 straight up, 4-8 vs. the line.
So far, so awful: 58-25 straight up, 36-47 against the line.
Net losses: $145,932.21.
Lilly The Greek: She nailed Dogs over Mizzou, she’s 5-2 and she picked an upset this week, opting for the cheese’d picture of (Freddie Falcon) over Poe (Ravens mascot).
Sack Schultz update: My 74 wins are seven off the lead and in 293rd place out of 4,500 entries. Last week’s winners: Scott Raymond (Snellville) and Rodney Fortson (Westphalia, Mo.) each went 15-0. Go to AJC.com/go/sackschultz2014 to enter.