Welcome back to Weekend Predictions and Occasional Spectacular Grease Fires, Inc., where we will vigorously defend your right to deduct all incorrect financial assumptions that the Falcons’ defense might someday force a punt but never will defend Adrian Peterson, who is alleged to have pilfered donations meant for his fraud foundation to fund an orgy, leading to the question, “Wait. Hookers are deductible? Or does that go under “miscellaneous business expense” with printer ink, desk chairs and Swedish independent contractors?
More on A.P.’s option offense later.
But first, we go to the big story: The End of the World.
There was an incorrect assumption that Georgia was in pretty good shape in the SEC East and wasn’t about to drop into a sinkhole. Then the NCAA happened. Wait, the NCAA is still around?
The Bulldogs were three-point favorites for Saturday’s game at Missouri. Then the Todd Gurley NCAA suspension story broke and Georgia fans could be seen swapping their SEC title game tickets for their neighbor’s ladder so they could climb to rooftops and leap off.
You would hate to think Gurley dared to sell autographs and profit from his likeness. Only fraud and archaic organizations like the NCAA are allowed to sell jerseys and bobblehead dolls, at least until some backhoe dumps the whole bunch into an Indianapolis landfill.
Bottom line: Without Gurley, the Dogs are yesterday’s toast. They rank 108th in passing. Can Hutson Mason suddenly morph into Roger Staubach? Is Gurley replaceable? I lean no.
Change of plans: Missouri wins.
IS THIS ON THE TEST?
Duke at Georgia Tech: Duke after coach David Cutcliffe said it’s difficult to convince “high-end players” to go to Tech because of Paul Johnson’s offense. So Paul Johnson walked into a news conference like “B-Rabbit” in “8-Mile” and said, “How many receivers have they put in the NFL? I can tell you. None. They’ve had one offensive player drafted in the NFL in the last six years.” Tech: five offensive players, two receivers. Drop the mic. Jackets cover 3.
“B-Rabbit” vs. “Papa Doc” is NSFW, so here’s Paul “Kanye” Johnson
Alabama at Arkansas: To recap: A.J. McCarron ripped Alabama’s offense and said the team lacks a leader; Nick Saban said McCarron should never go against the family and sent him a dead fish wrapped in Luca Brasi’s bullet-proof vest; Fran Tarkenton ripped McCarron, which probably would’ve had more impact if anybody knew who Fran Tarkenton was;
McCarron backtracked, said he could’ve worded things better and (ta-da!) blamed the media. You know what this means, don’t you? Alabama 137, Arkansas 3. (The 10 is covered.)
Mississippi at Texas A&M: Now every job Kevin Sumlin applies for a job, somebody on the search committee is going to say, “Are we sure we want to do this? He was losing 48-17 to Mississippi State?” Old Ms. is allowing an average of 10.2 points per game. If that continues this week Sumlin will be given a key to the state. Opens every Dollar store. Aggies cover 2.
Auburn at Mississippi State: Here’s how much things have changed in the SEC West: Some geranium on Twitter made terroristic threats against the Auburn coach and it wasn’t even an Alabama fan with a bucket of root killer. Nothing is sacred anymore. Meanwhile, Dan Mullen has turned Starkville into Bedford Falls. Waiter, a cup of normalcy, please: Auburn covers 3.
LSU at Florida: The Gators will start previous benched starter Jeff Driskel at quarterback because freshman Treon Harris, who led the comeback win over Tennessee, is being investigated of sexual assault, and Driskel’s backup is Skyler Mornhinweg, who brawled with a teammate this week after he accused him of stealing his spikes. You know, Urban Meyer did a much better job controlling his felons than Will Muschamp. LSU covers 1½.
Louisville at Clemson: Clemson quarterback DeShaun Watson has started two games, won both, and is completing 69 percent of his passes for 12 touchdowns and one interception. Asked if the Tigers (3-2) would be in a better position if Watson had started all season, Dabo Swinney, coughed and said he had a meeting to get to. Clemson wins but take Louisville and 9½.
Arkansas State at Georgia State: The Panthers have lost four straight but they’re 11-4 against the spread in their last 15. Maybe they should mine Las Vegas for athletic donors. Other team wins but take State and 10.
PROS AND CONS
Bears at Falcons: Jay Cutler has four interceptions and three fumbles (one lost) in the last two games, but if there’s one thing the Falcons’ defense is not going to do, it’s make jokes about somebody else, because, like, duh. But the Falcons are not quiet as silly at the Georgia Dome, and there’s also the Devin Hester-I-Want-To-Destroy-Them-Factor. Falcons cover 3.
Mike Nolan has one plan left
Cowboys at Seahawks: Tony Romo has thrown only two interceptions during a four-game winning streak but in Seattle he’ll have to be aggressive and take chances and that’s usually when he channels his inner Jeff George. Seahawks cover 8.
Giants at Eagles: Chip Kelly may be revolutionizing the NFL with his sped-up offense but he might want to go old school and see if he can solve one little problem: The Eagles lead the league with 12 turnovers (eight by Nick Foles). Take the 2½ but Giants win in straight upset.
Patriots at Bills: This week, Bill Belichick showed up for the press conference but the media didn’t. Pats cover 3
Lions at Vikings: Peterson has been accused of pilfering foundation donations to fund an orgy. Peterson’s partial defense: It wasn’t an orgy, it was just a bunch of people in a hotel room having sex. Wait. What? Can’t wait for Peterson vs. IRS. Lions cover 1½.
Knucklehead memories: AP’s orgy up there with Vick’s ill-fated smuggle attempt
CREDITS AND DEBITS
Last week: 8-4 overall, 6-6 against the spread.
Toteboard: 52-19 overall, 32-39 against the spread.
Lock of the week: Sunrise, 7:39.
Sack Schultz 2014: Week 6 winners were Richard Edgerly of Tybee Island and Jim Marshall of Phoenix. Both went 13-2. D.Bridges of Georgia is still the overall leader with 70 wins. I’ve dropped to 426th place (out of 4,407) and am considering going into a witness protection program.
Lilly’s Pick: She’s 4-2 and demanding I cut back on food with fillers and meat by-products. Feh. This week, it’s Georgia-Mizzou with a choice of cheese’d pictures of Uga and Truman. Lilly goes left: Georgia.