According to legend, my third favorite source after Netflix and the Google search window, where you can find just about anything except the Ray Rice video, and we know this because Roger Goodell did an exhaustive seven-second search from his Barcalounger before declaring, “Nothing to see here!” and retiring for his afternoon nap, the expression, “The dog ate my homework” predates Goodell by over 100 years.
The Cambrian, a magazine, and not TMZ, broke this in 1905: A Welsh minister gave a sermon at his church and later confided to an aide that it would’ve been longer, except that, “Just before I started to come here my dog got hold of my sermon and ate some of the leaves, and I had no time to write any more.” And we’ve been blaming our poor dogs for everything ever since.
Goodell said this week he has no idea how TMZ found an elevator surveillance recording — the security equivalent of garbage bags twist ties — because he went to great lengths and found nothing. This whopper was surpassed only by Scooby Doo, rut-roh look on his face when the Associated Press quoted a law enforcement who claims to have personally delivered a DVD to the NFL office in April.
Goodell swears he looked everywhere.
“It wasn’t on my desk.”
“I figured Blockbuster would have a copy but they closed them all.”
“I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, you can’t prove anything.”
“My dog ate my DVD.”
(Note to aspiring writers: You can make anything a transition.)
And speaking of dogs . . .
Georgia visits South Carolina this week. The Bulldogs have jumped from 12th to sixth in the rankings and the Gamecocks have fallen ninth to 24th. But this is where we caution: It’s early and it’s Columbia.
Then again: If the South Carolina defense struggled to stop East Carolina (453 yards), how’s it going to stop Todd Gurley? The dog ate their game plan? Georgia covers 5½.
Goodell channels Ralph Kramden
Goodell channels my cousin, Sgt. Schultz
Goodell takes the stand
Ga. Southern at Ga. Tech: In their first two games against Cupcake and Twinkie, the Jackets outscored opponents only 34-30 in the first half but 42-10 in the second. They might actually have to play four quarters this week. Damn, do they get paid for this? Oh wait, wrong column. Tech wins but take Georgia Southern and 20.
Air Force at Ga State: The Panthers followed a win (a win!) by blowing a 24-10 lead and losing to New Mexico State with 15 seconds left. But there is good news: This one will lack last-second heartache. Air Force covers 11½.
Kentucky at Florida: The Gators have won 27 straight in this series, and their last two coaches to lose to Kentucky (Charley Pell and Galen Hall) were not given gold watches on the way out the door, largely because Pell horded all of the watches for recruits. Gators cover 17.
Rice at Texas A&M: Aggies quarterback Kenny Hill is trademarking, “Kenny Trill,” for the .0000000000001 percent of the T-shirt buying public that knows “Trill” is some vague intersection of “true” and “real” in the hip-hop world. On a related note, I typed “Schultz” into the Urban Dictionary search window and got this: “It has characteristics as a noun (the absolute and total), a verb (you schultzed her), an adjective (he is a totally schultz dancer), etc. Its meanings are endless.” Damn. I may copyright me. Aggies cover 31½.
Louisville at Virginia: This normally would have “BODYSLAM” written all over it, but Virginia’s defense has forced nine turnovers in two games and has one lopsided win (Richmond) and one near upset (UCLA). See, I do research sometimes. Enough facts. Emotional breakdown: Anybody vs. Petrino. Louisville wins but take Virginia and 7.
BETWEEN NFL COVER-UPS
Falcons at Bengals: The Falcons only wish they could disguise defenses as well as Goodell. But the offense was real and spectacular (cue: Seinfeld) against New Orleans. The Bengals’ defense won’t be as accommodating as the Saints, but Andy Dalton isn’t Drew Brees. The Falcons are getting points? I’ll bite: Take the 5 but Birds win straight up.
Steelers at Ravens (Thursday): Baltimore owner Steve Bisciotti wrote a letter of apology to fans, saying he should have seen the Rice video earlier. Another member of Club Pinocchio. Take the Steelers and 2½, and in a straight upset.
Cardinals at Giants: Eli Manning is a two-time Super Bowl MVP. I know this because I watched the video, right next to the three-headed goat exhibit at Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Arizona covers 2.
Saints at Browns: Josh Gordon, who has been suspended for a year for failing multiple tests for marijuana, says he “definitely (does) not” have a drug problem. OK. So maybe the 57 pounds of Cheetos that have eroded his brain cells. New Orleans covers 6½.
Bears at 49ers: Nobody has been arrested this week, so leg chains won’t slow the 49ers’ attack. San Francisco covers 7.
Last week: 11-2 overall, 7-6 against the line.
Through Chapter 2: 22-3 overall, 12-13 against the line.
Lilly Pick of the Week: The mutt is 1-1. She’s still trying to make amends for picking Clemson over Georgia in Week 1. This week: hot dogs on pictures of Mark Richt (left) and Steve Spurrier (right). Lilly goes right and picks South Carolina. (Don’t shoot the messenger).
Sack Schultz update: Last week’s winners: Frank Moiger of Atlanta and Vince Villani of Colorado Springs. Go to AJC.com/go/sackschultz2014 to enter.
•Weekend Predictions: Previous Episodes — Week 1: Weekend Predictions (no lies): Georgia over Clemson — Week 2: Weekend Predictions: Falcons (real ones) over Saints Some recent ramblings (free links)
— AJC: Goodell was at Masters when Rice video arrived at office — AJC: Adam Silver, Magic Johnson see Ferry-Deng differently — MyAJC: Only cure: All Hawks’ owners and Ferry must go — AJC: Levenson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar miss point about Atlanta — MyAJC: Levenson gone but timing raises questions — AJC: Hawks’ Levenson has ugly exit because of email — MyAJC: Matt Ryan wouldn’t let Falcons lose — MyAJC: Georgia Tech still looks wobbly at 2-0 — AJC: Short takes on Tech’s 38-21 win over Tulane — AJC: Live blog: Tech tries to spoil Tulane’s party — AJC: Weekend Predictions: Falcons (real ones) over Saints — AJC: Weekend Predictions: Falcons (real ones) over Saints — AJC: Video evidence of Stephen Garcia hitting bottom — MyAJC: Falcons need Mike Nolan to create an illusion — AJC: Michael Sam not being viewed as just a player — MyAJC: With Todd Gurley, possibilities are endless — AJC: Short takes: Georgia 45, Clemson 21 — AJC: Cantor’s magic tallis has cure to Braves’ problems (on Fridays) — AJC: Weekend Predictions (no lie): Dogs over Clemson — MyAJC: Richt, Georgia need another highlight — MyAJC: Braves CEO Terry McGuirk vows ‘Everybody accountable’ — MyAJC: Full Q&A with Braves CEO Terry McGuirk — AJC: It’s ‘Sack Schultz’ time. Think you can grill me? — MyAJC: If Tech wins, it will be with a better option — MyAJC: Predicting Georgia Tech’s season, game-by-game — AJC: On Braves, McGuirk and repairing baseball — MyAJC: Baseball repair list: Pardon Rose, quicken pace, shorten season — AJC: Braves find a groove, but so do Nationals — MyAJC: Mike Tice has a challenge — and he knows it — AJC: Bobby Petrino, Todd Grantham reportedly feuding already